For Our Neighbours

Summary: If marriage is the most basic and important social foundation in society, then let the followers of Christ get it right by following Christ’s example.

Scripture focus: Ephesians 5:21-33

Date: Sunday, 7 February 2010 (Austral Church of Christ)

Upholding Marriage As A Witness

During this past week I conducted my first marriage ceremony. For my first wedding, it went pretty well, but, I have to tell you, the lead-up was terrible.

There is a computer program that the NSW Department of Births Deaths and Marriages provides, but, it turns out, not too many celebrants are all that familiar with it. So, when it came time for me to print the certificates which the bride and groom and witnesses would sign, there were details missing that no one could explain to me. As a result, I left the house 30 minutes later than I had planned.

As I left the house, I remembered that the petrol tank of my motorcycle was nearing the “low” level and figured that I would have to stop eventually to fill it up. Little did I know that as soon as I turned onto the M5 expressway, my tank hit the ‘fill me now!’ point.

As I neared the next exit, I realised that I did not have my wallet on me and would thus be unable to fill my tank anyway. So, I had to make my way back home. As a result, I left the house, for a second time, 60 minutes later than I had planned.

As I turned into the petrol station, the rain clouds ominously creeping close, I figured that I could probably get back onto the road without my wet weather gear and stay ahead of the clouds. As I finished filling my tank and paid for the petrol, the rain clouds burst open. As I had not yet mounted my motorcycle, I had time to put on my wet weather gear. ¹

As this was going to be an outdoor ceremony, the fifty kilometre ride gave me ample time to imagine how I might conduct this ceremony in the bride and groom’s living room. Luckily for the happy couple, halfway to my destination I came out from under the rain clouds. However, it was at that point that I also realised I had not buckled my helmet onto my head properly.

I can happily report that I arrived safely at my destination and we all enjoyed a beautifully warm and sunny outdoor ceremony, as if no one but I had been rained on –in fact, no one had been rained on but I!

My preparations for the ceremony naturally led me to consider a variety of issues surrounding the contemporary institution of marriage and I would like to share some of those reflections with you. Marriage is much maligned in our day and needs to be upheld not for the purposes of judgement, but for demonstrating the grace of God.

Something to Think About

Interestingly, the couple that I married had both been previously married and had actually been living together for 18 years –not exactly the ideal context for my first wedding, but I took on the challenge anyway. I agreed to conduct their wedding because their love for each other was obvious and their commitment to one another could not have been any more strong or healthy.

Some would argue with me over the finer points of a biblical theology of divorce, but I felt that the operative principles here were love and grace: this couple love each other, but the circumstances of their life disposed them to be wary of marriage. Their understanding of marriage was skewed, undoubtably, but now they felt and understood the need to solemnise their love and commitment in the right way. And, yes, their understanding of and relationship with God provided much of this impetus.

While their unwillingness to become “married” may not have been justifiable biblically or morally, it seems to me that the grace of God was at work in their finally sensing the “right time” to “take their relationship to the next level”. Whatever questionable behaviour occurred beforehand, this week they sought to “make their relationship right” before God and before the laws of this state.

Before anyone passes judgement upon them, let us recognise that marriage is first and foremost a religious institution, even though secular authorities commandeer it for their own purposes. This couple did not have to ‘get married’. Before the laws of this state they were effectively married already. I will also argue that before God too they were already married.

Consider the biblical foundation for marriage: “a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Gen 2:24; cf. Eph 5:31). As one commentary declared, “The focus is upon the attraction, companionship, and suitability the man has experienced in the woman; and as a consequence of this he separates in some degree physically, socially, and spiritually from his parental home to begin another home with his companion.” ² Any ceremony that we might perform to publicly legitimise such commitments notwithstanding, the commitment itself occurs long before. Do we really think that God will not respect such commitment between two persons unless a third person –a religious mediator, such as myself– waves his hands in the air and speaks certain words?

Not to diminish too much the power that I wield, as a marriage celebrant, the act and attitude of “becoming one flesh” (Gen 2:31) is inherently a spiritual process. ³, saying, ‘The heart of my son Shechem longs for your daughter; please give her to him in marriage’”, although wedding celebrations are mentioned in Genesis 29:21-22.] The emphasis is not on the physical union of two persons, but upon the spiritual union. This point is made by the writer of The Epistle to the Ephesians, when he interwove instructions for husbands and wives with descriptions of God’s love for the Church –for example, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25). Because of the spiritual nature of marriage, it behoves the Church to help all people to understand this process better and to thereby witness to God’s purposes for his creation. Indeed, the institution of marriage is key to our understanding human nature since, “God created humankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (Gen 1:27).

In this way, as another commentary put it, “Marriage is the most basic and significant social relationship to humankind. This relationship must be nurtured and maintained for the welfare of all. Without marriage, society will fail.” ⁴ To nurture marriage is not the same as to judge all who do not choose to adhere to its basic principles. Christians do God a great disservice when they try to foist a Christian theology of marriage upon others, its truth notwithstanding. I’m not advocating for the current revisionist attacks upon marriage in Australia, but let us better promote the sanctity of monogamous and heterosexual marriage by exemplifying its proper relationships and benefits.

Verse 21 says it all: “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ”. Setting the language aside, the principle is the same for both parties: “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ”. In our society there are so many forces promoting very different values that couple enter into relationships with no intention of being subject to one another, being only concerned about what advancement or personal pleasure they can attain from the relationship. This is a basic principle, which we would all do well to remember: “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ”.

The instructions given to husbands and wives is a direct application of the principle stated earlier: “Be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Eph 5:1-2). The instruction to submit to others is not meant as encouragement to allow others to take advantage of us, but is a template for relationships, which do not work when we operate out of our own self-interest (cf. Php 2:3-4).

When mutual submission is practised, in any relationship –be they relationships among family members or business associates– only then do we achieve our mutual goals, while at the same time remaining open to meeting the needs of others as well as having our own needs met. The principle of Eph 5:21 remains true, even if we don’t agree with the justification that followed.

The fact is that the different partners in a marriage come to that marriage with different needs, different ways of expressing themselves, different cultural and family baggage, etc. If nothing else, this passage demonstrates that the same principle needs to be expressed differently for different persons, while retaining its meaning.

If a husband and wife can practise mutual submission, they operate as powerful role models for their children, of that there can be no question. Further, they operate individually as role models to all of the neighbours that they will encounter, those who are desperate for a different vision of what to believe and value and how to behave in this world.

I have a cousin in the U.K., who lived with his partner for 10 years before he and she finally decided to become married. Theirs was a civil marriage, but it dissolved not too many years later. Their conclusion was that the act of marriage was the cause of their dissolution, but the marriage really only exacerbated the conflicts which were already present. They were desperate for a new way of being together.

Our foundation and example, in contrast, is Christ. The fruit of our worldview is evident in our relationships. Our lifestyle becomes a testimony to our faith and to our God, and therefore will naturally attract others to God’s throne of grace.

Conclusion

Marriage is the most basic and important social foundation in human society. Let us get it right, by submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Endnotes